I don’t have to choose, because the deeper I fall into the limitless realm of SOURCE… All of it is relevant… All of it! There are no contradictions in being who I am… An African-American Woman who is equally an Ethiopian Jewish Wombman… Womanist that awakens the dawn with my Black Feminist sisters; joyously and purposely… No contradictions… None whatsoever, it all goes together rhythmically, now that I can recognize the tune… All of it!
Torah and Ifa and New Testament… YHVH - Orishas -Yeshua… Feminine & masculine energies… Holy and profane, because the profane is actually holy; it’s encapsulated by high levels of truth… Truth is the everyday dialect of the Divine. All of you, and all of me… Nothing at all… Sacred touch, sensual complexities… A set apart solemnity is kept… It all goes, bottomlessly… All of it!
I haven’t always been able to make peace with who I am, and how deeply bottomless G-D is… How that speck of SOURCE that is you and me… That the infinite connection is not something to fear through the enslavement of our lower nature, its dogma, its form… Rather it is for us to ascend & transcend… Higher & steady…Readying us to continue onward & upward…Life never ends, not really…
No, I was not always aware until I began a very deep spiritual journey 13 years ago… 13 years ago, I decided to start listening, at a time most people my age had just become old enough to opt out of listening to authority… I was opting in to listening to SPIRIT, the utmost authority! Forgoing my desires, my will, everything I thought I knew, in order to be re-trained & reborn as I stand today… Imperfect, but assured. Assured that I don’t know anything really, and freedom to receive higher heights that descend into deeper truths, was and still is, dependent on a humble heart positioning and soul steady. Soul knows, it always does. We forget, so that we may relearn and choose, is what I have come to realize and know… The filtering, gotta be open to the filtering.
I was filtering what was true and what was false… Still in this process…Still delving in. What could stay, and what had to go completely? Leave me wholly & holy, in order for me to get re-acquainted, travel deeper so I can get to know that speck of me that is infinite…G-D in me, way too vast to be solely contained to pages… To learn this, to accept this… To go on an untracked journey, with no road map other than… The listening. I have become strong, I have been proved… I am everything and nothing at all.
I spent months in solitude in order to find the clearest frequency, and act accordingly as I traversed to and fro…I’ve suffered… I’ve been misunderstood… I’ve gone the harder way, because it was my prescribed course. In going the tougher way, I gained more understanding, more insight, even clearer channels, and more pronounced spiritual connections…I’ve become an authentic humble. Humble enough to become more and more free. To travel near and far… To obey my soul whispers & stirrings. To gain freedom, more and more freedom… Freedom in this sense, is attained through learning… I am learning still, I still haven’t even scratched the surface…
But what I know, this I know is true… The more I open myself up to all that I once thought was contradictory… The more I unlearn the supposedly sinful, bad, and evil connotations erroneously placed around different aspects of life that the CREATOR meant for us to embrace without shame or price… Delving into a spirituality more holistic and centered, rejecting dogma and its forms… Sensuality, my sensuality, ushering me into a more holy existence… There are no contradictions, none at all!
I’m sure some who are reading this right now are intrigued by the fact that I equate my sensuality, and being free in its authenticity, as wholly holy. Some of you reading right now are ready to stone me to near death…Not wanting to kill me completely, as I could be reused over and over again, as an excuse for you not to explore your inward questionings. Some of you are tired of me dragging out this article, because you are eagerly waiting to see if my personal conclusions and truths, match the thoughts and reasonings you’ve been keeping to yourself, in your inward deliberations… All of this is good, all of it. I find no contradictions, none at all!
To further explain, let me get into sensuality in the nuance of my experience and soul set. Sensuality as it relates to my sexuality is vast, intricate, multifaceted, healing, expedient, wild, imperative, discerning, LOVING. Sensuality better explains not only the five physical senses we utilize, but also the various spiritual senses in the function, and in conjunction, with our sexuality.
So the physical and spiritual senses in right connection is sensuality… I’m a very sensual person, and I believe the CREATOR would not have it any other way… I do not believe sexual intercourse has to occur for sensual intercourse to transpire, but it most certainly does lead there…All of this is holy, all of it… Why? Because sensuality is a high form of Divine communication and healing, amongst other purposes… It serves purposes we are only beginning to understand and tap into… Sensuality is sacred, it is not vile, it is not something of which to be ashamed.
I have a confession, I am almost at the 6 year mark of not having sexual intercourse, 5 years from sensual intercourse with another. I was in a four year relationship 2 years ago… You may laugh cause you didn’t do your math…But… Yes, I was with someone whose religious precepts didn’t allow them to stray and fornicate with me(bummer). Now, let me explain… Fornication isn’t a Hebraic concept , it’s a Greek concept… A mostly Christian concept. At the time, I thought this person had great self control, and I saw this as a great character trait… Funny thing is, they had one the worst character dispositions of any person I have met thus far… The filtering… Always be open to re-learning, and taking off erroneous mindsets, and most of all… Not assuming.
But there was this one time… This time me and this awful individual I loved selflessly, had sensual intercourse that was borderline sexual. It was such a spiritually charged happening…We were connecting so deeply, and the truth and surety of this experience, along with the fact that I wasn’t part of their religious persuasion, caused immense fear in this person… After this occurrence, they were afraid to be in the same room as me… Couldn’t control their body just being in my presence. It wasn’t just physically overwhelming, but emotionally, spiritual and mentally… A connection out of our hands, a set up by the Universe had occurred, and this individual started to act really erratically, instead of embracing the experience and me wholly, holy.
I was calm about the experience, because I was not only at peace with it, but I also was not condemned by it. I understood and was open to the bottomless enough at this point, the person I was intertwined with wasn’t. Take note of this distinction, and the power of sensuality. Sensuality is an agent of change… A force, a determiner, and an omen… If you resist the fruits of its labor…It’s holistic and myriad of purposes, it will leave you unbalanced instead of enlightened.
So how have I survived not having that intimacy for years now… I am fine because I understand and embrace that sensuality can be embraced all by oneself. Many people have been taught, or automatically default to believing masterbation and touching oneself was nasty, and sinful…Associating it with uncontrolled lust… A sin. No one ever told me this growing up, but I too thought that it was some shameful thing to touch yourself. I had to learn over the last several years that being connected to your sensuality, and indulging in the healing properties of self touch, is imperative whether your are single or involved with someone. I believe sensual alone time connects us to Divine pockets of Love, that is only reserved for ourselves. There are ways in which to connect with our inner essence, that can be brought about by connected spirituality and orgasmic release, working in correlation with one another. I have personally found that if I go too long without connecting to myself in this way, I am totally out of balance.
Now let’s talk about balance and energies, and my pickiness. It’s true, though I would love to wildly fuck anyone, it’s just not my nature. I think my makeup and healer capacity understand that I cannot just exchange energy with anyone. Sensuality isn’t something to be rushed…It’s purposeful in nuance. In a relationship, or just in an exchange of ones own sexual choices and freedom, we don’t always want or need deep connectivity… Sometimes it just isn’t about that… Sometimes we just need, what we need… There is a time for everything, and Lawd knows I get that!
Have you ever been sexual with someone, and felt like garbage after? There could be a lot of reasons for this, one of them most definitely is that they were not spiritually compatible with you…Depleting your energy… Instead of mutual energizing, healing… You become victim to vampiring. I have found that sexual experiences are emotionally beneficial, if sensual intercourse has been established at some point in the relationship prior… Exploring all the nuances of coming together in this way can be dope.
I want you, the reader to realize that my experiences, my conclusions, are a starting point for you, but not your story… You do not have to conform, or you can agree with any part of what I said, but always ask yourself… “What is my narrative?” A clear intention is being put out through the cadence of my heart beat, wanting you to seek out and question… Losing the fear that questioning is some act of treason… You are allowed to get your personal understanding… Dig deeper, study, pray and find Light. Shine that light on dark places, so you can see the reality…Your reality.
I didn’t come to my conclusions overnight, I am where I am after 13 years of being open and shut and open again, wide and fully… Still growing, still learning, but assured. Assured, I am at least traveling the right path. Freedom is learning… Being open to the bottomless… Life long journey.
Sensuality is just holistic sexuality, in my opinion… How I define it. I find no contradictions with this or my closeness to G-D. I feel sensuality communicates to a part of ourselves we have yet to reach, and offers healing in ways no other energy transference or recirculation can. I am a Wombman of G-D, I am sensual, I am not ashamed… There are no contradictions in the bottomless, this I know…So far at least.
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